Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Dog vs. Cat

Dog vs. Cat

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am-Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am-A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am-A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am-Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm-Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm-Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm-Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm-Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm-Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm-Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm-Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary (can we say Roxanne?!):

Day 683 of my captivity:


My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.


They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort
of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them; I once again vomit on the floor.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity!


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and
how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.


The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded!


The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe...

1 comment:

brandy said...

this is hilarious! I read it to Bret and even he was cracking up over it!